Topic: Greatest Onion Articles Ever

Here's my Favorite:

Bear Attacks, Rapes Zookeeper

Here's a little dog-bites-man tale I couldn't resist! Except replace "dog" with "850-pound black bear"! And "bites" with "anally violate"!

Yes, last Saturday a zookeeper at the Metropolitan Zoo had "claws" for alarm when he was attacked and raped by the same black bear he had raised from a cub! Geez, talk about gratitude!

"It was horrible, just horrible, " sobbed an eyewitness. Guess she sure got an eyeful!

The bear, named "Barry", " attacked zookeeper Ron Gilks as Gilks entered the cage to give him dinner. Barry lunged at his throat, goring him with his huge claws and razor-sharp teeth. Some of the claw marks were three-quarters of an inch deep. Ouch!

Then, astonished onlookers could "bearly" believe what happened next--Barry began to brutally rape zookeeper Gilks!

Frantic zookeepers rushed for rifles as others tried to divert the bear. But there was no stopping Barry! This bear kept "bearing down, " and Gilks just had to grin and "bear" it! Maybe Barry was mistaking him for his "honey"!

Barry's 27-inch phallus, armed with guard hairs as sharp as red-hot needles, shot through Gilks' rectum, shattered his lower spine and skewered his colon, causing his entire lower torso to "cave" in! Yikes! Bet that wasn't the type of "cave" you had in mind when you took up zookeeping, Mr. Gilks!

And can you imagine Gilks' surprise when Barry's putrid ursine semen flooded his ruptured chest cavity? (By the way, Mr. Gilks, whatever cologne you've been wearing, where can the public get some?)

Finally, zookeeper Eric Pulliam shot Barry with a tranquilizer gun and pulled Gilks from the cage. The unconscious bear was later destroyed. Hey, this "Yogi" made a major "Boo-Boo"!

"I have worked with dangerous animals before, " zoo director Kate Donegal said. "But never have I seen any animal sexually assault a human being." "Barry"? Try "Scary"!

Meanwhile, Gilks was pronounced dead at an area hospital--but at least he died grinning and bearing it! No doubt, this episode gives new meaning to the term, "Do not feed the bears!"

Now you.

Re: Greatest Onion Articles Ever


the Sun Never Sets on British Condiments.

eat cheetos, rest easy

Re: Greatest Onion Articles Ever

This thread should take off.
Unfortunately I couldn't find it in their archives, but my favourite story was a comment piece called "Don't Tell Me You've Never Wondered What Yoda's Penis Looks Like"

Respect the J-Score!

Re: Greatest Onion Articles Ever

this is pretty nasty but I am ashamed to say I just remember seeing a headline which said something like 'Sick Child's Prayers Answered: God says 'no' ' .

I still laugh when i think of it.

Bend over!
Hi Ben

Re: Greatest Onion Articles Ever

Can't remember the exact title, but Mr T's Official List of Fools I Have Pitied 2001 (or whatever it was) was pretty funny

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"Like boxes of shit in your house?  Get a cat.

Lifestyles, Page 8"

Equal parts vim and vigor

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"Jenna Bush's Federally Protected Wetlands Now Open For Public Drilling"


"It was only four tracks on the machine, but I was picking up twenty from the extraterrestrial squad." -Lee "Scratch" Perry

Re: Greatest Onion Articles Ever

i remember one... "ACLU defends the rights of Ne-Nazi group to burn down the headquarters of the ACLU"

also one about PETA rescuing a bunch of cows. "Several got hit by cars, two fell of a cliff. the rest were found in a neighboring fields eating grass"

** Do NOT Steal My Signatures Or Avatars, Bitches! **

Re: Greatest Onion Articles Ever Lyle Kelso points out the site of Friday's seriously freaky dude-whaling.

Re: Greatest Onion Articles Ever

David Foster Wallace writes breakup letter

Re: Greatest Onion Articles Ever
Fourth-grader Jordy Cohn proudly displays one of his creations.

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Local Bassist Fellated

Re: Greatest Onion Articles Ever

I was always partial to the more modest, but quite amusing, article:

37 Record-Store Clerks Feared Dead In Yo La Tengo Concert Disaster

"These people are simply not in the physical condition to survive this sort of trauma. It's just a twisted mass of black-frame glasses and ironic Girl Scouts T-shirts in there."

Re: Greatest Onion Articles Ever
Embattled homosexual muppet "Roger" (center).

Also, the one where Bill Bradley denied being into the Spin Doctors.

We need the birds.
I understand, but the files are organized alphabetically.

Re: Greatest Onion Articles Ever

pretty much anything by Jim Anchower

no one can tell you you've got to be afraid

Re: Greatest Onion Articles Ever

The Onion's "Our Dumb Century" is the greatest piece of American literature since...  I dunno.  Ever maybe. 

Anyway, my one claim to fame is that I was featured in the Onion (years ago when it was just a local weekly rag) after being severely brutalized while working library security detail by a maniacal geology professor trying to return a book to inter-library loan.  He tried to enter the library without proper ID; I said "no dice, get a day pass at the window."  He tried to sneak by me and a scrum ensued in which he battered me with said book.  I have the scar reading "Isostatic Constraints on Lithospheric Thermal Evolution" in mirrored image to prove it.

Re: Greatest Onion Articles Ever

I think we need to see this Polka.

Bend over!
Hi Ben

Re: Greatest Onion Articles Ever

Unfortunately, it's splayed accross my ass and certainly not appropriate for the gentle, innocent eyes of Jicks' board members.  You see, despite the fact that I was then a strapping college boy about town and this man was a slight, bookish, 70 year old, he was surprisingly sprite and strong (no doubt from years and years of hammering away in fossil beds).  He quickly had me pinned & prone, allowing a hearty coup de grâce to my posterior.  The shame lives on...

19 (edited by kate h 2006-09-07 08:57:57)

Re: Greatest Onion Articles Ever

We could, and I suppose should, post these archives all day every day. Here's a fun one:

Critics Blast Bush For Not Praying Hard Enough

April 5, 2006 | Issue 42•14

WASHINGTON, DC—President Bush, already facing the lowest approval ratings in history, is coming under fire from former supporters over what they call his "ineffectual and incompetent" use of prayer for national guidance and assistance.

"Every time the president is criticized, he insists that the nation is in his prayers," said the Family Research Council's Bob Jensen. "That may be, but it's becoming more and more clear that these prayers are either too infrequent, too brief, or not strongly worded enough to be effective."

Jensen added: "This nation deserves more than a president who just pays lip service to prayer. It deserves a president who demands that his prayers get real-world results."

Despite assurances from the president that he "prays every day" for the nation's interests both at home and abroad, the mounting crises of recent months—escalating gas prices, the botched Dubai port security deal, ethics scandals, and the rising death toll in Iraq—have left many unimpressed with the effectiveness of his devotion.

Francine Gundersen, an Iowa mother and churchgoer, says she voted for Bush but is now having doubts about his commitment to prayer, particularly with regard to Iraq, where her son, P.F.C. Jason Gundersen, has served since June 2004.

"Bush says he prays for the soldiers' safe return, but if that's the case, where is my son, Mr. President?" she said.

The White House Office of Communications, which has denied any wrongpraying, released transcripts of Bush's inner dialogues with God from May 12 through Oct. 22, 2005 and tried to paint the president as "very close" to the Almighty, saying he speaks with Him "regularly."

"The president spends many hours each day alone in quiet contemplation," White House press secretary Scott McClellan said. "These allegations are, quite simply, absurd. The president is as strong a prayer as any who has occupied the White House."

In an interview on Fox News, Vice President Dick Cheney defended Bush, saying the president puts as much energy into prayer as he does into domestic policies.

"Half the time, I can't even get him on the phone because he's busy praying for the American people, the same people who are now so quick to criticize him," Cheney said. "If something's wrong with those prayers, I would suggest that it's perhaps the fault of a supernatural entity. But it's not the president's. He is doing his duty."

While newly released portions of White House prayer logs show that Bush's praying has actually gone up in recent months, critics are seeking to subpoena the documents in their entirety to determine the strength of those prayers.

The harshest criticisms continue to come from members of the president's conservative base, who insist that the proper devotional words must be used in prayer.

"There is a real possibility that the president misrepresented the number of times he invokes Jesus' power each day in accordance with the strict guidelines of scripture," said Henry Holbrook, senior fellow at the Intercession Institute, a leading conservative prayer tank. "Is he clasping his hands together tightly enough? Is he using the proper forms of the pronouns 'thine' and 'thou'? What about the verb 'hast'?"

Susan DiDomenico of the National Prayer Task Force said her organization is seeking "full disclosure" of any and all prayers Bush may have skipped or manipulated to seem more effective or holy.

20 (edited by kate h 2006-09-07 08:58:17)

Re: Greatest Onion Articles Ever

This ain't bad, too:

Bush Regales Dinner Guests With Impromptu Oratory On Virgil's Minor Works

WASHINGTON, DC–President Bush delighted an intimate gathering of White House dinner guests Monday, regaling the coterie of dignitaries, artists, and friends with a spirited, off-the-cuff discussion of the Roman poet Virgil's lesser-known works.

An effervescent Bush delights friends with tales of the poet Virgil.

"Ah, W. was in top form tonight," Spanish foreign minister Josep Pique Camps said. "We were all held captive by his erudition and charm. First, a brief history of the opium trade, then a bit of Brahms on the piano, then a rousing discussion of Virgil. That boy is a wonder, isn't he?"

According to guests, the subject of Virgil arose serendipitously when a servant opened a window in the Red Room, to which the group had retired for after-dinner drinks. Noticing the breeze, Bush raised his glass and delivered a toast to the changing of the seasons. He then apologized to "lovely Winter," explaining that he "meant no slight against her."

"The first blush of Spring always reminds me of Virgil's words," Bush said. "In early spring-tide, when the icy drip / Melts from the mountains hoar, and Zephyr's breath / Unbinds the crumbling clod, even then 'tis time / Press deep your plough behind the groaning ox / And teach the furrow-burnished share to shine."

"Book One of The Georgics, of course," Bush added.

Bush arranged the small, informal dinner in honor of Camps' unexpected arrival in the U.S.

"It had been too long since I'd heard one of W.'s anecdotes, so I simply got on a plane," Camps said. "I showed up at his doorstep with a watercolor by Ignat Bednarik, whom I know he adores, just to make sure he'd let me in."

Bush confessed that he has "long held a fascination with the classical world," noting that his love of Roman history influenced his decision to enter politics.

"Virgil was born in the year 70 B.C.–let's see, that would be during the consulship of Gnaeus Pompeius The Great and Marcus Licinius Crassus, if I'm not mistaken," Bush said. "It is said that while Virgil's mother was with child, she dreamt she gave birth to a laurel branch, which, upon touching the ground, sprang up into a full-grown tree, its branches laden with ripe fruits and flowers. The next morning, she gave birth to Virgil. The legend goes that Virgil was born without crying, so mild was his countenance."

According to White House regulars, it is not uncommon for Bush to engage guests in discussions of whatever subject strikes his fancy, from the symphony playing in the background to the history of a style of jewelry a guest happens to be wearing.

"I love to hear George hold court on this or that," said Bush family friend and world-renowned physicist Norberta Münter. "I tell him he is such a spoiled brat, the way he demands our attention, but I must confess I can't take my eyes off him when he does."

As the group sipped apple martinis and, in Bush's words, "recovered" from the Chilean sea bass, the president continued.

"Most primarily associate Publius Vergilius Maro with The Aeneid, " Bush told guests. "Yet so much pleasure is to be found in his lesser-known works–The Eclogues, completed in 37 B.C., and The Georgics, in 30 B.C., both of which praise the idyllic rural life."

"You have to remember I'm a bit of a farm boy myself," chuckled Bush, referring to his 1,600-acre ranch in Crawford, TX.

"The Bucolics are my personal favorite," Bush said. "They were basically a thank-you to Asinius Pollio for preventing the seizure of Virgil's land by the Triumvirate when they ordered the lands on the far banks of the river Po distributed to veterans of the victory at Philippi. They are so sublime, so inspirational. But why should I speak, when Virgil can do so himself? And far more eloquently, I might add."

Bush then recited a selection from The Bucolics in the original Latin, pausing occasionally to translate into French out of respect for his friend Amélie du Maurier, a young Parisian concert violinist in attendance. Earlier in the evening, a blushing du Maurier admitted to Bush that she did not know Latin. Bush eased the young woman's embarrassment with a joke.

"I wouldn't be surprised if your father forbade you from learning Latin, out of sheer distaste for res publica," said Bush, alluding to du Maurier's ancestors' place in the ousted French aristocracy.

Despite urging from guests to continue his Bucolics recitation, Bush declined.

"I have already taken up far too much of your valuable time with my classical natterings," Bush said. "I dearly wish I could give you back this hour during which you so graciously indulged my dilettantism, but, as Plautus said, 'Factum est illud, fieri infectum non potest.' Done is done, it cannot be made undone."

Re: Greatest Onion Articles Ever

You The Man
By Tyrell Davis the man, know what I'm sayin'? You the man! You it, baby. Ain't nobody else. Nobody.

Yo, how you do it, man? Man, you operate. It's like, shit, you crazy smooth. You all that, and then some. Ain't no doubt.

You the man all the time, 24-7! You the man when you walk it, and you the man when you talk it. You the man when you play it, and you the man when you say it.

Yo, Lorenzo, listen up and listen real good. You know what? I'll tell you what: You the man. That's right—you it.

Know what I'm sayin'?

Let me break it down for you just one time. You got that fine-ass lady, don't you? That shorty is one fine-ass ride. And those clothes you wear. Damn! You be like Mr. Armani Gucci Versace or somethin' in those threads.

You be shakin' it, breakin' it and quakin' it... and that's no fakin it. And I ain't even up to your moves on the court yet. You like Shaq and Penny and Michael all rolled into one out there. Slam dunkin' with a quickness!

Ain't no two ways about it, and ain't nobody doubt it. My man!


No, You The Man
By Lorenzo Simmons You crazy. Me? The man? Please. Everybody in town know who the man is—you the man! I ain't the man. No way. You got it all. And I mean all. Shit, I ain't got half what you got.

Yo, check this out—you smooth, man. Ain't nobody smoother than my boy Tyrell. You make the smooth look like they ain't smooth at all. Now, that's smooth.

So tell me this: How can I be the man when you the man? 'Cause, you see, there can be only one man, and I ain't it.

The other day, some folks came up to me, and they was all up in my face and shit, tellin' me that I be the man. When they said that, I was like, "What? You buggin! I ain't the man! No way, no day. My boy Tyrell, he the man."

After I tell 'em that, then they was all like, "Tyrell? That crazy homeboy from down 115th Street way? You right, Lorenzo—Tyrell is the man!"

But still, y'all better keep your hands off my lady, or else you gonna be the man with two black eyes, motherfucker! Shit, man, I was just playin' with you. You know I think you the man.

Re: Greatest Onion Articles Ever

so many other - the blackdar; "that's not funny - my brother died that way"; and a newsbrief about how 12 more pie-fucking movies were in the works in the aftermath of american pie (one featuring Denis Leary as a chef with an exquisite sense of taste, called "Boston Cream.")

We need the birds.
I understand, but the files are organized alphabetically.

Re: Greatest Onion Articles Ever

M-Jo wrote:

I was always partial to the more modest, but quite amusing, article:

37 Record-Store Clerks Feared Dead In Yo La Tengo Concert Disaster

"These people are simply not in the physical condition to survive this sort of trauma. It's just a twisted mass of black-frame glasses and ironic Girl Scouts T-shirts in there."

a classic.

i don't read the onion as often as i used to, but i dug this one.

Re: Greatest Onion Articles Ever

That's awesome, Ella.  I tried to find for you an article from Maisonneuve magazine about a creationist science fair.  My favourite science project therein?  "The Thermodynamics of Hellfire"

Alas, it was nowhere to be found.

Re: Greatest Onion Articles Ever

Bump this thread for a great Christmas special:

Ho, Ho, Ho! I Saw You Masturbating! A Special Message From Santa Claus

Respect the J-Score!